May 2013
1 post
April 2012
3 posts
1 tag
corey-45 asked: Last question: Do you believe in a God? Surely a universe as complex as this could not have come about by accident? I believe that there must have been a creating force behind it all.
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corey-45 asked: With that in mind, do you have any kind of religious affiliation? Are you Christian, or any other kind of religious person?
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corey-45 asked: WHat's your personal stance on religion?
March 2012
1 post
February 2012
3 posts
21 tags
Leviticus 15 Continued - It Just Keeps Getting...
13 “‘When a man is cleansed from his discharge, he is to count off seven days for his ceremonial cleansing; he must wash his clothes and bathe himself with fresh water, and he will be clean. 14 On the eighth day he must take two doves or two young pigeons and come before the LORD to the entrance to the tent of meeting and give them to the priest. 15 The priest is to sacrifice them, the one for a...
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“The LORD said to Moses and Aaron, ‘Speak to the Israelites and say to...”
– Leviticus 15: 1-3 (NIV)
January 2012
2 posts
11 tags
How Many Gods Are There?
From Psalms:
God has taken his place in the divine council; in the midst of the gods he holds judgment. (82:1)
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The Lord Repents for Evil Thoughts?
Exodus
9And the LORD said unto Moses, I have seen this people, and, behold, it is a stiffnecked people:
10Now therefore let me alone, that my wrath may wax hot against them, and that I may consume them: and I will make of thee a great nation.
11And Moses besought the LORD his God, and said, LORD, why doth thy wrath wax hot against thy people, which thou hast brought forth out of the land of...
December 2011
1 post
17 tags
A Fitting Christmas Post
Numerous encyclopedias plainly state that Christ was not born on December 25th. The Catholic Encyclopedia directly confirms this. So then, what are the origins of Christmas?
The Roman festival of Saturnalia, Dec. 17-24, moved citizens to decorate their homes with greens and lights and give gifts to children and the poor. The Dec. 25 festival of natalis solis invicti, the birth of the unconquered...
November 2011
2 posts
5 tags
Hiatus
I’m sorry to say that The Funny Bible is on a bit of a hiatus at the moment. I just moved to Japan and will not have stable internet access for probably another month. If you would like to submit things, please do! Thank you for following, or for just reading. Until next time!
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Jesus Wants Christians to be Closeted
… Literally…
Matthew 6 (KJV)
1Take heed that ye do not your alms before men, to be seen of them: otherwise ye have no reward of your Father which is in heaven.
2Therefore when thou doest thine alms, do not sound a trumpet before thee, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they may have glory of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward.
...
October 2011
10 posts
17 tags
“…if a woman have conceived seed, and born a man child: then she shall be...”
– Leviticus 12:2-5
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Comparing the New Testament God with the Old...
God of Jesus: “God is love.” (1 John 4:16) God of Moses: “Kill all the boys. And kill every woman who has slept with a man” (Num. 31:17)
God of Jesus: “Whoever welcomes one of these little children in my name welcomes me.” (Mark 9:37) God of Moses: “Put to death men and women, children and infants” (1 Sam. 15:2-3)
God of Jesus: “Love...
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“If a woman does not cover her head, she should have her hair cut off.”
– 1 Cor. 11:6
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Bible Fact #3
It took about 1,600 years and over 40 authors, most of whom are anonymous, to complete the Bible.
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Bible Fact #2
The Rapture isn’t from the Bible
The “Rapture” is not in the Bible. Despite being believed by a large number of protestants (many of whom also believe that only that which is in the Bible can be true) it was actually invented in the 1600s by one Cotton Mather – otherwise famous for murdering women by strangling them to death (by hanging) in the Salem witch trials. The term in the Bible...
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Bible Fact #1
Cats are never mentioned in the Bible. However, dogs are mentioned 44 times.
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Soloman's Song of Songs
1 Solomon’s Song of Songs.
She
2 Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth— for your love is more delightful than wine. 3 Pleasing is the fragrance of your perfumes; your name is like perfume poured out. No wonder the young women love you! 4 Take me away with you—let us hurry! Let the king bring me into his chambers.
Friends
We rejoice and delight in you; ...
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Alright, it’s pretty clear to me that I’m not going to have much time for this blog with my Japan move in the future. So, I’m looking for one or two well-spoken people to take over.
I’d just like to say that, in the future, I would like to keep The Funny Bible as unbiased and respectful as possible, with an attempt to keep it mostly direct quotes, but I am not against...
penultimateairbender asked: omg i missed you! where have you been??!!!!
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September 2011
6 posts
15 tags
Mooning
So the Lord says…
“And I will take away my hand, and thou shalt see my back parts: but my face thou canst not see.”
- Exodus 33:23
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“Therefore the fathers shall eat the sons in the midst of thee, and the sons...”
– Ezekiel 5:10
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Only the Important Ones...
Just then a man came up to Jesus and asked, “Teacher, what good thing must I do to get eternal life?”
“Why do you ask me about what is good?” Jesus replied. “There is only One who is good. If you want to enter life, keep the commandments.”
“Which ones?” he inquired.
Jesus replied, “‘You shall not murder, you shall not commit adultery, you shall not steal, you shall not give false...
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“I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and...”
– Matthew 19:9 (NIV)
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“And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he...”
– Genesis 2:21-22 (KJV)
August 2011
15 posts
30 tags
Abortion
Here’s what the Bible has to say. Let’s start with the most commonly used verses by the Pro Lifers.
PSA 139:13 For thou hast possessed my reins: thou hast covered me in my mother’s womb.
JER 1:5 Before I formed thee in the belly I knew thee….
LUK 1:41 And it came to pass, that, when Elisabeth heard the salutation of Mary, the babe leaped in her womb; and Elisabeth was...
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abusehername-deactivated2012032 asked: yes. I'm proud to be one of those 30. and lucky that I have found you. -- do you have a twitta too.? -- keep doin' what you do. -- I love your blog.!!
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One Disturbing Story
Judges 19:22-29 (King James Version)
22Now as they were making their hearts merry, behold, the men of the city, certain sons of Belial, beset the house round about, and beat at the door, and spake to the master of the house, the old man, saying, Bring forth the man that came into thine house, that we may know him.
23And the man, the master of the house, went out unto them, and said unto them,...
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“And a certain woman cast a piece of a millstone upon Abimelech’s head, and...”
– Judges 9:53-54 (KJV)
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“And Moses made a bronze serpent and set it on the standard; and it came about,...”
– Numbers 21:9 (NASB)
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“If a man sells his daughter as a servant, she is not to go free as male servants...”
– Exodus 21:7 (NIV)
abusehername-deactivated2012032 asked: You shall not molest or oppress an alien, for you were once aliens yourselves in the land of Egypt. Exodus 22:22 -- was a post you did one month ago. I searched the word. and found. "Do not mistreat widows or orphans." -- please check that again. and give me the right code to find the word. thank you.
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Finish your Children.
Someday God will force parents eat their own children.
And ye shall eat the flesh of your sons, and the flesh of your daughters shall ye eat. ~ Leviticus 26:16 And ye shall eat the flesh of your sons, and the flesh of your daughters shall ye eat. ~ Leviticus 26:29 And thou shalt eat the fruit of thine own body, the flesh of thy sons and of thy daughters. ~ Deuteronomy 28:53
And I will cause...
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“Give to every man that asketh of thee; and of him that taketh away thy goods ask...”
– Luke 6:30 (KJV)
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“(Jesus speaking) If anyone comes to me without hating his father and mother,...”
– Luke 14:26 (NAB)
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“Therefore I say unto you, Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or...”
– Matthew 6:25
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How to Breed Goats
From Genesis:
30:37 And Jacob took him rods of green poplar, and of the hazel and chesnut tree; and pilled white strakes in them, and made the white appear which was in the rods. 30:38 And he set the rods which he had pilled before the flocks in the gutters in the watering troughs when the flocks came to drink, that they should conceive when they came to drink. 30:39 And the flocks conceived...
July 2011
88 posts
30 tags
Inns?
Why did Joseph and his wife take shelter in a stable? Luke: “Because there was no room for them in the inn” (ii, 7). Luke states that there was an inn at Bethlehem. There was no inn in the place. Dr. Geikie says: ”We must not moreover think of Joseph seeking an inn at Bethlehem, for inns were unknown among the Jews“ (Christmas at Bethlehem).
(Source: The Christ Myth, By...
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Rainbows
According to Genesis…
9:13 I do set my bow in the cloud, and it shall be for a token of a covenant between me and the earth. 9:14 And it shall come to pass, when I bring a cloud over the earth, that the bow shall be seen in the cloud: 9:15 And I will remember my covenant, which is between me and you and every living creature of all flesh; and the waters shall no more become a flood to...
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Jesus Loves Me?
“Suffer little children to come unto me and forbid them not.” But it was only the children of Jews he welcomed. The afflicted child of a Gentile he spurned as a dog. When the woman of Canaan desired him to heal her daughter, he brutally replied: “It is not meet to take the children’s bread and cast it to the dogs” (Matthew xv, 26). The soldiers who spit on Jesus in...
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“In that day those the LORD has slaughtered will fill the earth from one end to...”
– Jeremiah 25:33 (NLT)
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“If a man still prophesies, his parents, father and mother, shall say to him,...”
– Zechariah 13:3 (NAB)
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Exodus 13
God orders everyone to burn the dead as a sacrifice to him.
13:1 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying, 13:2 Sanctify unto me all the firstborn, whatsoever openeth the womb among the children of Israel, both of man and of beast: it is mine.
