The Funny Bible

nostopdasgay: the-robot-condese: fuckyeahsexyatheists: This...

Wed, 08 May 2013 00:18:08 -0400

the-robot-condese:

fuckyeahsexyatheists:

This is what happens when I have no assignments over the weekend…

The pink tabs are for murder, purple for human or animal sacrifice, blue for rape, yellow for slavery and green for misogyny.

that’s a lot of murder

did you just read the entire bible over the weekend

Last question: Do you believe in a God? Surely a universe as complex as this could not have come about by accident? I believe that there must have been a creating force behind it all.

Sun, 08 Apr 2012 08:59:17 -0400

Nope, I don’t. I think that ascribing the wonders of the universe to a creator actually subtracts from the amazing beauty of the world. I find it much more fantastic to look at scientific evidence that pieces together how we have come to be. What amazing processes go on every day beneath our notice. The fact that we are made of the same elements as stars. “Accident” is surely a misleading word. Millions of years of evolution, mutations, trial and error is hardly an accident. So no, I don’t believe in a creator. I am much more faithful to science. ^_^ Thanks for the questions!

With that in mind, do you have any kind of religious affiliation? Are you Christian, or any other kind of religious person?

Wed, 04 Apr 2012 02:48:51 -0400

Not really. I practice some aspects of Zen Buddhism, as it helps me to focus on the present moment and enjoy my experiences more fully. I find the basic ingredients of Buddhism attractive. I love reading sutras. However, when you start getting into Theravada and Mahayana Buddhism, I feel that the message begins to get lost.

I was raised in a Christian household. However, by the time I became a teenager, I felt that organized Christianity did not have the answers for me. I read the bible, cover to cover, and I also looked into numerous other religions. I found I didn’t need religion to be happy. The universe is amazing enough on its own.

As a side note, living in Japan, I find animistic practices such as Shinto to be very endearing. The love for nature without a true pervading dogma is refreshing.

WHat's your personal stance on religion?

Wed, 04 Apr 2012 01:36:43 -0400

My personal stance on religion? I suppose I am against a lot of forms of organized religion, as they tend to do more harm than good. However, religion or faith or spirituality - whatever you’d like to call it - is fine when you are not trying to force your beliefs on someone else. When you are harming people, attempting to deny basic human rights, treating people as less-than-human, or considering everyone who is not of your religion an enemy, I think this goes against the core ideals and concepts that all religions were created with.

I think it is important to realize that you don’t need religion or the belief in some higher power in order to act responsibly and rightly. However, if you find comfort in religion, then good. If you can be a good person while taking part in your religion, excellent!

We should all be striving to be better people for the sake of humanity. Organized religion waters down religious texts, can distort the faith, and is entirely man-built. So it’s easy to see how something man created is likely to be flawed.

To summarize, I think that your religion is your business. But when you start negatively affecting others, you’ve crossed a line. This blog is just one way I choose to point out the many facets of a religion that people are not taught by organized religion.

In all honesty, I think the best way to get others to join your faith is to demonstrate kind actions, kind thoughts, kind words. I attempt to practice this every day, not because I want something in return, but because I simply think it is the right thing to do. And that is enough for me.

shiracoffee: from Friendly Atheist by Hemant Mehta

Sat, 03 Mar 2012 22:28:16 -0500

shiracoffee:

from Friendly Atheist by Hemant Mehta

Leviticus 15 Continued - It Just Keeps Getting Better

Sat, 25 Feb 2012 14:20:28 -0500

¹³ “‘When a man is cleansed from his discharge, he is to count off seven days for his ceremonial cleansing; he must wash his clothes and bathe himself with fresh water, and he will be clean. ¹⁴ On the eighth day he must take two doves or two young pigeons and come before the LORD to the entrance to the tent of meeting and give them to the priest. ¹⁵ The priest is to sacrifice them, the one for a sin offering and the other for a burnt offering. In this way he will make atonement before the LORD for the man because of his discharge.

—————————————————————

Every time you are either constipated or have the runs, a priest must sacrifice two white doves to free you of your shameful sin.

"The LORD said to Moses and Aaron, ‘Speak to the Israelites and say to them: When any man has..."

Sat, 25 Feb 2012 14:13:26 -0500

“The LORD said to Moses and Aaron, ‘Speak to the Israelites and say to them: When any man has an unusual bodily discharge, such a discharge is unclean. Whether it continues flowing from his body or is blocked, it will make him unclean.’”

- Leviticus 15: 1-3 (NIV)

Photo

Mon, 06 Feb 2012 04:36:12 -0500

How Many Gods Are There?

Tue, 10 Jan 2012 21:30:41 -0500

From Psalms:

God has taken his place in the divine council; in the midst of the gods he holds judgment. (82:1)

The Lord Repents for Evil Thoughts?

Tue, 10 Jan 2012 21:15:52 -0500

Exodus

⁹And the LORD said unto Moses, I have seen this people, and, behold, it is a stiffnecked people:

¹⁰Now therefore let me alone, that my wrath may wax hot against them, and that I may consume them: and I will make of thee a great nation.

¹¹And Moses besought the LORD his God, and said, LORD, why doth thy wrath wax hot against thy people, which thou hast brought forth out of the land of Egypt with great power, and with a mighty hand?

¹²Wherefore should the Egyptians speak, and say, For mischief did he bring them out, to slay them in the mountains, and to consume them from the face of the earth? Turn from thy fierce wrath, and repent of this evil against thy people.

¹³Remember Abraham, Isaac, and Israel, thy servants, to whom thou swarest by thine own self, and saidst unto them, I will multiply your seed as the stars of heaven, and all this land that I have spoken of will I give unto your seed, and they shall inherit it for ever.

¹⁴And the LORD repented of the evil which he thought to do unto his people.

A Fitting Christmas Post

Sat, 24 Dec 2011 09:31:39 -0500

Numerous encyclopedias plainly state that Christ was not born on December 25th. The Catholic Encyclopedia directly confirms this. So then, what are the origins of Christmas?

The Roman festival of Saturnalia, Dec. 17-24, moved citizens to decorate their homes with greens and lights and give gifts to children and the poor. The Dec. 25 festival of natalis solis invicti, the birth of the unconquered sun, was decreed by the emperor Aurelian in A.D. 274 as a Winter Solstice celebration, and sometime (later)…was Christianized as a date to celebrate the birth of the Son of Light.

The early Romans were not celebrating Christmas but rather a pagan feast called the Saturnalia. It occurred each year around the beginning of winter, or the winter solstice. This was the time when the sun had taken its lowest path across the sky and the days were beginning to lengthen, thus assuring another season of growth.

If many of the trappings of the Saturnalia, however, seem to parallel what so many of us do today, we can see where we borrowed…our holiday traditions. And indeed, it has been suggested that while Christ was not born in late December, the early Christians—then still an outlawed sect—moved Christmas to the time of the Saturnalia to draw as little attention as possible to themselves while they celebrated their own holiday.

The Bibliotheca Sacra states, “The interchange of presents between friends is a like characteristic of Christmas and the Saturnalia, and must have been adopted by Christians from the pagans, as the admonition of Tertullian plainly shows” (Vol. 12, pp. 153-155).

Among the Druids the oak was sacred, among the Egyptians it was the palm, and in Rome it was the fir, which was decorated with red berries during the Saturnalia!” (Walsh, Curiosities of Popular Customs, p. 242). Frederick J. Haskin’s book Answers to Questions states, “The Christmas tree is from Egypt, and its origin dates from a period long anterior to the Christian Era.” Did you know this—that the Christmas tree long preceded Christianity?

The Encyclopedia Americana states, “The holly, the mistletoe, the Yule log…are relics of pre-Christian times.” In other words, paganism! The Yule log was commonly used in a rite of Teutonic nature worship.

Remember, my friends, what it says in Jeremiah 10:2 - “Thus saith the LORD, Learn not the way of the heathen…”

Hiatus

Fri, 18 Nov 2011 19:17:14 -0500

I’m sorry to say that The Funny Bible is on a bit of a hiatus at the moment. I just moved to Japan and will not have stable internet access for probably another month. If you would like to submit things, please do! Thank you for following, or for just reading. Until next time!

Jesus Wants Christians to be Closeted

Wed, 02 Nov 2011 09:51:34 -0400

… Literally…

Matthew 6 (KJV)

¹Take heed that ye do not your alms before men, to be seen of them: otherwise ye have no reward of your Father which is in heaven.

²Therefore when thou doest thine alms, do not sound a trumpet before thee, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they may have glory of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward.

³But when thou doest alms, let not thy left hand know what thy right hand doeth:

⁴That thine alms may be in secret: and thy Father which seeth in secret himself shall reward thee openly.

⁵And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward.

⁶But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret; and thy Father which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly.

"…if a woman have conceived seed, and born a man child: then she shall be unclean seven..."

Wed, 26 Oct 2011 09:38:10 -0400

“…if a woman have conceived seed, and born a man child: then she shall be unclean seven days…but if she bear a maid child, then she shall be unclean two weeks…”

- Leviticus 12:2-5

Comparing the New Testament God with the Old Testament God

Fri, 21 Oct 2011 13:27:33 -0400

God of Jesus: “God is love.” (1 John 4:16)
God of Moses: “Kill all the boys. And kill every woman who has slept with a man” (Num. 31:17)

God of Jesus: “Whoever welcomes one of these little children in my name welcomes me.” (Mark 9:37)
God of Moses: “Put to death men and women, children and infants” (1 Sam. 15:2-3)

God of Jesus: “Love does no harm to its neighbor” (Rom. 13:10)
God of Moses: “He totally destroyed all who breathed, just as the Lord, the God of Israel, had commanded.” (Josh. 10:40)

God of Jesus: “[The devil] was a murderer from the beginning.” (John 8:44)
God of Moses: “Slaughter old men, young men and maidens, women and children” (Ezek. 9:6)

God of Jesus: “Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.” (1 Peter 5:8)
God of Moses: “Like a lion I will devour them.” (Hosea 13:8)

God of Jesus: “Anyone who does not love his brother [is of the devil].” (1 John 3:10)
God of Moses: “Go back and forth killing your brother and friend and neighbor” (Exod. 32:27)

God of Jesus: “[The devil] is a liar and the father of lies.” (John 8:44)
God of Moses: “Put a lying spirit in the mouths of all these prophets of yours.” (1 Kings 22:23)

God of Jesus: “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy.” (John 10:10)
God of Moses: “Pursue, kill and completely destroy them.” (Jer. 50:21)

God of Jesus: “He who does what is sinful is of the devil” (1 John 3:8)
God of Moses: “Do not leave alive anything that breathes” (Deut. 20:16)

God of Jesus: “God so loved the world..” (John 3:16)
God of Moses: “I will wipe humankind ..from the face of the Earth.” (Gen. 6:7)

God of Jesus: “Love your enemies” (Luke 6:27-28)
God of Moses: “Treat the Midianites as enemies and kill them.” (Num. 25:16-17)

God of Jesus: “For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone” (James 1:13)
God of Moses: “[He] tempted Abraham” (Gen. 22:1)

"If a woman does not cover her head, she should have her hair cut off."

Fri, 21 Oct 2011 13:22:44 -0400

“If a woman does not cover her head, she should have her hair cut off.”

- 1 Cor. 11:6

Bible Fact #3

Mon, 17 Oct 2011 00:32:25 -0400

It took about 1,600 years and over 40 authors, most of whom are anonymous, to complete the Bible.

Bible Fact #2

Sat, 15 Oct 2011 01:03:00 -0400

The Rapture isn’t from the Bible

The “Rapture” is not in the Bible. Despite being believed by a large number of protestants (many of whom also believe that only that which is in the Bible can be true) it was actually invented in the 1600s by one Cotton Mather – otherwise famous for murdering women by strangling them to death (by hanging) in the Salem witch trials. The term in the Bible commonly mistranslated to the word “rapture” actually comes from the Greek ἁρπάζω (harpazo) which actually means “caught up” or “taken away” and it refers to one person only (Philip).

Bible Fact #1

Thu, 13 Oct 2011 14:56:09 -0400

Cats are never mentioned in the Bible. However, dogs are mentioned 44 times.

Soloman's Song of Songs

Thu, 13 Oct 2011 14:48:15 -0400

¹ Solomon’s Song of Songs.

She

² Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth—
   for your love is more delightful than wine.
³ Pleasing is the fragrance of your perfumes;
   your name is like perfume poured out.
   No wonder the young women love you!
⁴ Take me away with you—let us hurry!
   Let the king bring me into his chambers.

Friends

We rejoice and delight in you;
we will praise your love more than wine.

She

How right they are to adore you!

⁵ Dark am I, yet lovely,
   daughters of Jerusalem,
dark like the tents of Kedar,
   like the tent curtains of Solomon.
⁶ Do not stare at me because I am dark,
   because I am darkened by the sun.
My mother’s sons were angry with me
   and made me take care of the vineyards;
   my own vineyard I had to neglect.
⁷ Tell me, you whom I love,
   where you graze your flock
   and where you rest your sheep at midday.
Why should I be like a veiled woman
   beside the flocks of your friends?

Friends

⁸ If you do not know, most beautiful of women,
follow the tracks of the sheep
and graze your young goats
by the tents of the shepherds.

⁹ I liken you, my darling, to a mare
   among Pharaoh’s chariot horses.
¹⁰ Your cheeks are beautiful with earrings,
   your neck with strings of jewels.
¹¹ We will make you earrings of gold,
   studded with silver.

She

¹² While the king was at his table,
   my perfume spread its fragrance.
¹³ My beloved is to me a sachet of myrrh
   resting between my breasts.
¹⁴ My beloved is to me a cluster of henna blossoms
   from the vineyards of En Gedi.

¹⁵ How beautiful you are, my darling!
Oh, how beautiful!
Your eyes are doves.

She

¹⁶ How handsome you are, my beloved!
Oh, how charming!
And our bed is verdant.

¹⁷ The beams of our house are cedars;
our rafters are firs.

————————————————————————-

It’s a bit… porn-y. :P