The Funny Bible

From Psalms:

God has taken his place in the divine council; in the midst of the gods he holds judgment. (82:1)

Exodus

⁹And the LORD said unto Moses, I have seen this people, and, behold, it is a stiffnecked people:

 ¹⁰Now therefore let me alone, that my wrath may wax hot against them, and that I may consume them: and I will make of thee a great nation.

 ¹¹And Moses besought the LORD his God, and said, LORD, why doth thy wrath wax hot against thy people, which thou hast brought forth out of the land of Egypt with great power, and with a mighty hand?

 ¹²Wherefore should the Egyptians speak, and say, For mischief did he bring them out, to slay them in the mountains, and to consume them from the face of the earth? Turn from thy fierce wrath, and repent of this evil against thy people.

 ¹³Remember Abraham, Isaac, and Israel, thy servants, to whom thou swarest by thine own self, and saidst unto them, I will multiply your seed as the stars of heaven, and all this land that I have spoken of will I give unto your seed, and they shall inherit it for ever.

 ¹⁴And the LORD repented of the evil which he thought to do unto his people.

… Literally…

Matthew 6 (KJV)

 ¹Take heed that ye do not your alms before men, to be seen of them: otherwise ye have no reward of your Father which is in heaven.

 ²Therefore when thou doest thine alms, do not sound a trumpet before thee, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they may have glory of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward.

 ³But when thou doest alms, let not thy left hand know what thy right hand doeth:

 ⁴That thine alms may be in secret: and thy Father which seeth in secret himself shall reward thee openly.

 ⁵And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward.

 ⁶But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret; and thy Father which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly.

God of Jesus:  “God is love.” (1 John 4:16)
God of Moses: “Kill all the boys. And kill every woman who has slept with a man” (Num. 31:17)

God of Jesus:  “Whoever welcomes one of these little children in my name welcomes me.” (Mark 9:37)
God of Moses: “Put to death men and women, children and infants” (1 Sam. 15:2-3)

God of Jesus:  “Love does no harm to its neighbor” (Rom. 13:10)
God of Moses: “He totally destroyed all who breathed, just as the Lord, the God of Israel, had commanded.” (Josh. 10:40)

God of Jesus:  “[The devil] was a murderer from the beginning.” (John 8:44)
God of Moses: “Slaughter old men, young men and maidens, women and children” (Ezek. 9:6)

God of Jesus:  “Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.” (1 Peter 5:8)
God of Moses: “Like a lion I will devour them.” (Hosea 13:8)

God of Jesus:  “Anyone who does not love his brother [is of the devil].” (1 John 3:10)
God of Moses: “Go back and forth killing your brother and friend and neighbor” (Exod. 32:27)

God of Jesus:  “[The devil] is a liar and the father of lies.” (John 8:44)
God of Moses: “Put a lying spirit in the mouths of all these prophets of yours.” (1 Kings 22:23)

God of Jesus:  “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy.” (John 10:10)
God of Moses: “Pursue, kill and completely destroy them.” (Jer. 50:21)

God of Jesus:  “He who does what is sinful is of the devil” (1 John 3:8)
God of Moses: “Do not leave alive anything that breathes” (Deut. 20:16)

God of Jesus:  “God so loved the world..” (John 3:16)
God of Moses: “I will wipe humankind ..from the face of the Earth.” (Gen. 6:7)

God of Jesus:  “Love your enemies” (Luke 6:27-28)
God of Moses: “Treat the Midianites as enemies and kill them.” (Num. 25:16-17)

God of Jesus:  “For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone” (James 1:13) 
God of Moses: “[He] tempted Abraham” (Gen. 22:1)

 ¹ Solomon’s Song of Songs.

   She

 ² Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth— 
   for your love is more delightful than wine. 
³ Pleasing is the fragrance of your perfumes; 
   your name is like perfume poured out. 
   No wonder the young women love you! 
⁴ Take me away with you—let us hurry! 
   Let the king bring me into his chambers.

   Friends

   We rejoice and delight in you; 
   we will praise your love more than wine.

   She

   How right they are to adore you!

 ⁵ Dark am I, yet lovely, 
   daughters of Jerusalem, 
dark like the tents of Kedar, 
   like the tent curtains of Solomon. 
⁶ Do not stare at me because I am dark, 
   because I am darkened by the sun. 
My mother’s sons were angry with me 
   and made me take care of the vineyards; 
   my own vineyard I had to neglect. 
⁷ Tell me, you whom I love, 
   where you graze your flock 
   and where you rest your sheep at midday. 
Why should I be like a veiled woman 
   beside the flocks of your friends?

   Friends

 ⁸ If you do not know, most beautiful of women, 
   follow the tracks of the sheep 
and graze your young goats 
   by the tents of the shepherds.

   He

 ⁹ I liken you, my darling, to a mare 
   among Pharaoh’s chariot horses. 
¹⁰ Your cheeks are beautiful with earrings, 
   your neck with strings of jewels. 
¹¹ We will make you earrings of gold, 
   studded with silver.

   She

 ¹² While the king was at his table, 
   my perfume spread its fragrance. 
¹³ My beloved is to me a sachet of myrrh 
   resting between my breasts. 
¹⁴ My beloved is to me a cluster of henna blossoms 
   from the vineyards of En Gedi.

   He

 ¹⁵ How beautiful you are, my darling! 
   Oh, how beautiful! 
   Your eyes are doves.

   She

 ¹⁶ How handsome you are, my beloved! 
   Oh, how charming! 
   And our bed is verdant.

   He

 ¹⁷ The beams of our house are cedars; 
   our rafters are firs.

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It’s a bit… porn-y. :P

So the Lord says…

“And I will take away my hand, and thou shalt see my back parts: but my face thou canst not see.”

- Exodus 33:23

Just then a man came up to Jesus and asked, “Teacher, what good thing must I do to get eternal life?”

“Why do you ask me about what is good?” Jesus replied. “There is only One who is good. If you want to enter life, keep the commandments.”

“Which ones?” he inquired.

Jesus replied, “‘You shall not murder, you shall not commit adultery, you shall not steal, you shall not give false testimony, honor your father and mother,’ and ‘love your neighbor as yourself.’”

-Matthew 19: 16-18 (NIV)