The Funny Bible

… Literally…

Matthew 6 (KJV)

 ¹Take heed that ye do not your alms before men, to be seen of them: otherwise ye have no reward of your Father which is in heaven.

 ²Therefore when thou doest thine alms, do not sound a trumpet before thee, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they may have glory of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward.

 ³But when thou doest alms, let not thy left hand know what thy right hand doeth:

 ⁴That thine alms may be in secret: and thy Father which seeth in secret himself shall reward thee openly.

 ⁵And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward.

 ⁶But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret; and thy Father which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly.

God of Jesus:  “God is love.” (1 John 4:16)
God of Moses: “Kill all the boys. And kill every woman who has slept with a man” (Num. 31:17)

God of Jesus:  “Whoever welcomes one of these little children in my name welcomes me.” (Mark 9:37)
God of Moses: “Put to death men and women, children and infants” (1 Sam. 15:2-3)

God of Jesus:  “Love does no harm to its neighbor” (Rom. 13:10)
God of Moses: “He totally destroyed all who breathed, just as the Lord, the God of Israel, had commanded.” (Josh. 10:40)

God of Jesus:  “[The devil] was a murderer from the beginning.” (John 8:44)
God of Moses: “Slaughter old men, young men and maidens, women and children” (Ezek. 9:6)

God of Jesus:  “Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.” (1 Peter 5:8)
God of Moses: “Like a lion I will devour them.” (Hosea 13:8)

God of Jesus:  “Anyone who does not love his brother [is of the devil].” (1 John 3:10)
God of Moses: “Go back and forth killing your brother and friend and neighbor” (Exod. 32:27)

God of Jesus:  “[The devil] is a liar and the father of lies.” (John 8:44)
God of Moses: “Put a lying spirit in the mouths of all these prophets of yours.” (1 Kings 22:23)

God of Jesus:  “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy.” (John 10:10)
God of Moses: “Pursue, kill and completely destroy them.” (Jer. 50:21)

God of Jesus:  “He who does what is sinful is of the devil” (1 John 3:8)
God of Moses: “Do not leave alive anything that breathes” (Deut. 20:16)

God of Jesus:  “God so loved the world..” (John 3:16)
God of Moses: “I will wipe humankind ..from the face of the Earth.” (Gen. 6:7)

God of Jesus:  “Love your enemies” (Luke 6:27-28)
God of Moses: “Treat the Midianites as enemies and kill them.” (Num. 25:16-17)

God of Jesus:  “For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone” (James 1:13) 
God of Moses: “[He] tempted Abraham” (Gen. 22:1)

Just then a man came up to Jesus and asked, “Teacher, what good thing must I do to get eternal life?”

“Why do you ask me about what is good?” Jesus replied. “There is only One who is good. If you want to enter life, keep the commandments.”

“Which ones?” he inquired.

Jesus replied, “‘You shall not murder, you shall not commit adultery, you shall not steal, you shall not give false testimony, honor your father and mother,’ and ‘love your neighbor as yourself.’”

-Matthew 19: 16-18 (NIV)

Why did Joseph and his wife take shelter in a stable? 

Luke: “Because there was no room for them in the inn” (ii, 7). 

Luke states that there was an inn at Bethlehem. There was no inn in the place. Dr. Geikie says: ”We must not moreover think of Joseph seeking an inn at Bethlehem, for inns were unknown among the Jews“ (Christmas at Bethlehem). 

(Source: The Christ Myth, By John E. Remsberg)

“Suffer little children to come unto me and forbid them not.” 

But it was only the children of Jews he welcomed. The afflicted child of a Gentile he spurned as a dog. When the woman of Canaan desired him to heal her daughter, he brutally replied: “It is not meet to take the children’s bread and cast it to the dogs” (Matthew xv, 26). The soldiers who spit on Jesus in Pilate’s hall did not do a meaner thing than Jesus did that day. And if he afterwards consented to cure the child it was not as an act of humanity to the sufferer, but as a reward for the mother’s faith in him. 

Concerning this brutal act of Jesus, Helen Gardener says: “Do you think that was kind? Do you think it was godlike? What would you think of a physician, if a woman came to him distressed and said, ‘Doctor, come to my daughter, she is very ill. She has lost her reason, and she is all I have!’ What would you think of the doctor who would not reply at all at first, and then, when she fell at his feet and worshiped him, answered that he did not spend his time doctoring dogs? Would you like him as a family physician? Do you think that, even if he were to cure the child then, he would have done a noble thing? Is it evidence of a perfect character to accompany a service with an insult? Do you think that a man who could offer such an indignity to a sorrowing mother has a perfect character, is an ideal God?” 

(Source http://www.premierathome.com/Library/Religion/THE%20CHRIST.txt)

In Matt. 10:5-8, Jesus specifically tells his disciples to preach to the scattered lost sheep of the house of Israel but not to Gentiles or Samaritans. This chapter is now freely quoted as teaching how Christians should spread the gospel, but when it is cited, the prohibition against preaching to non-Jews is never mentioned, nor is the command to raise the dead.

Matthew 10:5-8 (NIV)

“These twelve Jesus sent out with the following instructions: “Do not go among the Gentiles or enter any town of the Samaritans. Go rather to the lost sheep of Israel. As you go, preach this message: ‘The kingdom of heaven is near.’ Heal the sick, raise the dead, cleanse those who have leprosy, drive out demons. Freely you have received, freely give.”

“But as for these enemies of mine who did not want me to be king over them—bring them here and slaughter them in my presence.”

[spoken by Jesus as a parable] 

Luke 19:27 (NRS)

(Jesus speaking)

“Do not think that I have come to bring peace upon earth. I have come to bring not peace but the sword. For I have come to set a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law; and one’s enemies will be those of his household.”

Matthew 10:34-36 (NAB)

There was never a person named “Jesus Christ.” 

There never was a person named Jesus Christ. His first name wasn’t Jesus and his last name wasn’t Christ. Jesus’ real name in pre-exilic Hebrew was Yehoshua or in the Second Temple period Yeshua or Joshua. When the English rendered the Latin IESVS from the Greeks who translated the Semitic name Yeshua they came up with Jesus (Yehoshua became Yeshua became Iesous became Jesus), and that name stuck. But his real name in his own language was Yeshua, which was a very good name in the Hebrew tradition. It meant – “Yahweh (God) is savior (helper)”. 

So, his first name was essentially “Josh”. 

As far as his last name goes, in those days, people didn’t have last names. Yet many people think his last name was Christ. Not true. He was never called Jesus Christ. Jesus/Joshua was believed, by some, to be the Messiah, which in Hebrew (moschiach) means “the anointed one”. The Greek word for the oil used to anoint someone is “khrisma”, and the person so anointed is “Khristos” in Greek, “Christus” in Latin, and “Christ” in English. In reality, had he been considered someone deserving of anointing, he would have been called Joshua the Anointed, or Jesus the Christ. No one ever called him Jesus Christ if/when he was alive. 

The person referred to as “Jesus Christ” is best understood, then, to have been “Yeshua bar Yahosef” or “Joshua, son of Joseph…”

Therefore, saying “Jesus Christ” isn’t really blasphemy, because it’s not taking the right name in vain. 

Source: http://www.jesuspolice.com/common_error.php?id=1