The Funny Bible

¹³ “‘When a man is cleansed from his discharge, he is to count off seven days for his ceremonial cleansing; he must wash his clothes and bathe himself with fresh water, and he will be clean. ¹⁴ On the eighth day he must take two doves or two young pigeons and come before the LORD to the entrance to the tent of meeting and give them to the priest. ¹⁵ The priest is to sacrifice them, the one for a sin offering and the other for a burnt offering. In this way he will make atonement before the LORD for the man because of his discharge.

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Every time you are either constipated or have the runs, a priest must sacrifice two white doves to free you of your shameful sin.

From Psalms:

God has taken his place in the divine council; in the midst of the gods he holds judgment. (82:1)

Exodus

⁹And the LORD said unto Moses, I have seen this people, and, behold, it is a stiffnecked people:

 ¹⁰Now therefore let me alone, that my wrath may wax hot against them, and that I may consume them: and I will make of thee a great nation.

 ¹¹And Moses besought the LORD his God, and said, LORD, why doth thy wrath wax hot against thy people, which thou hast brought forth out of the land of Egypt with great power, and with a mighty hand?

 ¹²Wherefore should the Egyptians speak, and say, For mischief did he bring them out, to slay them in the mountains, and to consume them from the face of the earth? Turn from thy fierce wrath, and repent of this evil against thy people.

 ¹³Remember Abraham, Isaac, and Israel, thy servants, to whom thou swarest by thine own self, and saidst unto them, I will multiply your seed as the stars of heaven, and all this land that I have spoken of will I give unto your seed, and they shall inherit it for ever.

 ¹⁴And the LORD repented of the evil which he thought to do unto his people.

… Literally…

Matthew 6 (KJV)

 ¹Take heed that ye do not your alms before men, to be seen of them: otherwise ye have no reward of your Father which is in heaven.

 ²Therefore when thou doest thine alms, do not sound a trumpet before thee, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they may have glory of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward.

 ³But when thou doest alms, let not thy left hand know what thy right hand doeth:

 ⁴That thine alms may be in secret: and thy Father which seeth in secret himself shall reward thee openly.

 ⁵And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward.

 ⁶But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret; and thy Father which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly.

God of Jesus:  “God is love.” (1 John 4:16)
God of Moses: “Kill all the boys. And kill every woman who has slept with a man” (Num. 31:17)

God of Jesus:  “Whoever welcomes one of these little children in my name welcomes me.” (Mark 9:37)
God of Moses: “Put to death men and women, children and infants” (1 Sam. 15:2-3)

God of Jesus:  “Love does no harm to its neighbor” (Rom. 13:10)
God of Moses: “He totally destroyed all who breathed, just as the Lord, the God of Israel, had commanded.” (Josh. 10:40)

God of Jesus:  “[The devil] was a murderer from the beginning.” (John 8:44)
God of Moses: “Slaughter old men, young men and maidens, women and children” (Ezek. 9:6)

God of Jesus:  “Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.” (1 Peter 5:8)
God of Moses: “Like a lion I will devour them.” (Hosea 13:8)

God of Jesus:  “Anyone who does not love his brother [is of the devil].” (1 John 3:10)
God of Moses: “Go back and forth killing your brother and friend and neighbor” (Exod. 32:27)

God of Jesus:  “[The devil] is a liar and the father of lies.” (John 8:44)
God of Moses: “Put a lying spirit in the mouths of all these prophets of yours.” (1 Kings 22:23)

God of Jesus:  “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy.” (John 10:10)
God of Moses: “Pursue, kill and completely destroy them.” (Jer. 50:21)

God of Jesus:  “He who does what is sinful is of the devil” (1 John 3:8)
God of Moses: “Do not leave alive anything that breathes” (Deut. 20:16)

God of Jesus:  “God so loved the world..” (John 3:16)
God of Moses: “I will wipe humankind ..from the face of the Earth.” (Gen. 6:7)

God of Jesus:  “Love your enemies” (Luke 6:27-28)
God of Moses: “Treat the Midianites as enemies and kill them.” (Num. 25:16-17)

God of Jesus:  “For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone” (James 1:13) 
God of Moses: “[He] tempted Abraham” (Gen. 22:1)

It took about 1,600 years and over 40 authors, most of whom are anonymous, to complete the Bible. 

The Rapture isn’t from the Bible

The “Rapture” is not in the Bible. Despite being believed by a large number of protestants (many of whom also believe that only that which is in the Bible can be true) it was actually invented in the 1600s by one Cotton Mather – otherwise famous for murdering women by strangling them to death (by hanging) in the Salem witch trials. The term in the Bible commonly mistranslated to the word “rapture” actually comes from the Greek ἁρπάζω (harpazo) which actually means “caught up” or “taken away” and it refers to one person only (Philip).