The Funny Bible

Funny [fuhn-ee] adjective: 1. affording light mirth and laughter; 2. differing from the ordinary in a suspicious, perplexing, quaint, or eccentric way; 3. warranting suspicion; deceitful; underhanded.

Jesus Wants Christians to be Closeted

… Literally…

Matthew 6 (KJV)

 1Take heed that ye do not your alms before men, to be seen of them: otherwise ye have no reward of your Father which is in heaven.

 2Therefore when thou doest thine alms, do not sound a trumpet before thee, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they may have glory of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward.

 3But when thou doest alms, let not thy left hand know what thy right hand doeth:

 4That thine alms may be in secret: and thy Father which seeth in secret himself shall reward thee openly.

 5And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward.

 6But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret; and thy Father which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly.

Only the Important Ones…

Just then a man came up to Jesus and asked, “Teacher, what good thing must I do to get eternal life?”

“Why do you ask me about what is good?” Jesus replied. “There is only One who is good. If you want to enter life, keep the commandments.”

Which ones?” he inquired.

Jesus replied, “‘You shall not murder, you shall not commit adultery, you shall not steal, you shall not give false testimony, honor your father and mother,’ and ‘love your neighbor as yourself.’

-Matthew 19: 16-18 (NIV)

The Prince of Peace?

(Jesus speaking)

“Do not think that I have come to bring peace upon earth. I have come to bring not peace but the sword. For I have come to set a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law; and one’s enemies will be those of his household.”

Matthew 10:34-36 (NAB)

The Bible says that “zombies” arose and walked around the streets of Jerusalem after the resurrection. 

(Mat 27:50 NRSV) Then Jesus cried again with a loud voice and breathed his last. 

(Mat 27:52 NRSV) The tombs also were opened, and many bodies of the saints who had fallen asleep were raised. 

(Mat 27:53 NRSV) After his resurrection they came out of the tombs and entered the holy city and appeared to many.